The Fabric of Death

The unexpected death of her husband has left my sister hanging on a thread. They were supposed to spend their 40th wedding anniversary together this past weekend, but sadly there will be no more celebrations of this kind. The grieving process although necessary feels as if I am watching her slowly fade away. She has tried counseling but feels so disconnected that she no longer attempts to share her pain. If you have ever been around someone like this, you can attest to the ache within your own heart as you watch helplessly knowing it's a personal journey. (To learn more about this tragedy please read.)

Last spring when this occurred I was compelled to move my office into her home and I lived with her for 6 weeks. It was during this endeavor when I saw first-hand how the body goes into shock and denial. She would wake each morning hoping it had all been a bad dream. She stopped eating or caring and her nurturing spirit turned towards her beloved pets. Now she fears they too will get sick and leave her alone with her thoughts.

It was during his funeral as she was searching through his belongings when the idea first struck me. I had meditated the night before he had passed and he had spoken to me. I asked him how I could help his wife and his reply came very clearly.

"Hold her. She is a strong woman that can do anything in this world, but she cannot hold herself."

As she was rummaging through his things looking for his policeman's badge I looked at all of his shirts with tiny golf emblems on them. As a retired police chief he had moved into his next profession as a caddy master at a local golf course. His closet told the story. Policeman's emblems embroidered on jackets to country club insignias adorning his shirts. These would make a beautiful quilt, I thought. She could take this quilt and wrap herself in him. He could hold her once more.

Pattie proudly displays her handiwork

And so I spoke with my other sister Pattie, the one born with a needle and thread in her hand, and asked if she would help. Susan and Pattie have never really been close and I wasn't really sure how this would turn out. They are both talented seamstresses. I held my breath hoping Susan would agree to this, after all we were cutting up his clothes. Susan was honored that Pattie would take the project on. I sat back knowing my role was the bridge that had come up with the idea and had put the two of them together.

Pattie had to work with whatever Susan gave her— ties, shirts, jackets and even his pajamas. She cut, measured and hand-sewed non-stop committing all of her spare time to this amazing feat.

Meanwhile I arranged to have a sister's weekend in my home. All three came to spend some relaxing time in sunny Florida... this event happened to fall on the non-celebrated 40th wedding anniversary.  Susan needed us and all four sisters gathered to support her. There were tears and laughter and healing as we blended together and supported one another.

I had forgotten about the quilt as I knew it would take Pattie until springtime to finish it. But I was wrong. As Susan sat limp with emotions and tried her best to smile through her pain, Pattie handed her a package. Susan opened it with trembling hands and cried tears of joy. The quilt is a masterpiece and with it comes healing. Healing for a woman that is grieving for her husband, healing for two sisters that have never really connected. The fabric is woven from memories that will embrace our sister Susan and help bring some comfort to her broken heart. I felt myself overcome as well as I remembered when the idea was first given to me...did Lee help plan this? Was he whispering to me that day?

The next morning my youngest sister Dotsi did a meditation at dawn.
"I was doing my meditation,"  she said, "and seeing lovely colors and I was waiting for what the images would become when a stupid song kept playing. It was a Bee Gee's song and it really was bothering me as it kept interrupting my meditation."
"What was the song?" I asked.
"Something about emotions," she replied.
And so I did a quick search on the web and found the lyrics Dotsi had heard being sung as she was sharing a bed near our sleeping sister Susan.
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion that's taken me over
Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight
Goodnight

It now holds her every night.

Meditation is a wondrous thing to experience. I am now encouraging my grieving sister to try again. She had stopped as she feared being alone with her sorrow. I believe meditation has given me a clear channel to be able to act upon inspiring thoughts coming to me from my Higher-Self. I believe it gave Susan the ability to be held once more.
To learn how you can use meditation to enrich your life please read How to Begin.

A Holiday in Mourning

"But this wasn't how it was supposed to be...he wasn't supposed to die."
"Yes, but he was very sick."
"But how will we go on without him?"
"I'm not sure I don't have the answers."
"But we thought we had forever."
"You still have a future."
"I don't want this one- I don't want this day."
"What do you want?"
"I want him back."
"What would you say to him?"
"So many things... how much I loved him, LOVE him, what sharing a life with him meant to me."
"Do you tell him this now?"
"Yes." Tears falling reaching for a tissue. "I do but he doesn't answer back."
"Can you still feel his presence?"
"Yes, but I don't know how to go one- he's so close but I can't touch him."
"And your family and loved ones that are still here?"
"They can't help me- they are grieving themselves- we are all a mess...and Christmas is coming."
"Yes, it is."
"I can't begin to think how I will be able to celebrate this ever again."
"Maybe you can take a break from holidays- maybe have an Un-Holiday this year."
"And do what?"
"Maybe volunteer to help others- maybe visit a shut-in, work in a shelter. Give."
"But my heart is broken."
"I know."
"I don't know how to do this."
"No one does."
"He loved Christmas so much."
"Did he?"
"Yes, he just loved all of us so much."
"He still does."
"Yes." More tears, more tissues.
"It's a new day. A new road before you. I can't walk it for you, but I will hold your hand and be there when you need me."
"Thanks, this means a lot."
"Keep talking to him and take time to meditate."
"I'm afraid of being alone with my thoughts."
"Then stop thinking and turn it off and sit in silence."
"I saw a hawk. Remember how we saw a hawk during his memorial service? One lone hawk circling low?"
"Yes."
"Every time I see a hawk I think of him- as if it's somehow spiritually connected."
"How does this make you feel?"
"As if he is somehow communicating- but I'm not sure what it's trying to tell me."
"But how do you feel when you see the hawk?"
Blessed."
"Then meditate on this and embrace this blessing."

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day. While she was cooking beside her children I took the dogs for a walk. A lone hawk slowly circled directly over her home. I stopped and looked up and was reminded of this spiritual connection.

We all need to look up and embrace life and the loved ones that are still living and breathing beside us. Yes life here on earth is short- but we are blessed abundantly by the connection with the world around us. Look up and feel this blessing. If you know of someone who is grieving please take the time to validate their pain- BE LOVE and be a blessing to others.

To learn how you can meditate please read my book Sæ-sii Meditation: How to Find Your Bliss in 15 Minutes a Day

Visits from Loved Ones in My Dreams

My parents 1946

I didn't want to wake. It seemed my dreams were far better.  I had been enjoying my visits with my loved ones that have crossed and sometimes felt more lonely upon waking. My dad and his laughter my mother and her sparkling eyes and my brother with that boyish grin. Has this ever happened to you?
Realizing that my loved ones are still around me has helped ease my pain...but it was a process. I had followed that wobbly truth that others had told me... "No, we don't have the answers, God will tell you later...maybe...after you die." How is this supposed to comfort anyone? Why would a loving creator stick a clause on the end of a death certificate?

Peace has come in knowing that the physical embodiment of my beautiful spirit is but a temporary vessel. The vessel was meant for a short duration compared to the entire journey. This is a merely a small part- and for this portion I wear blue eyes and have dirty blonde hair that will gray... eventually.

If we truly embrace that we live eternally then we should be all the more excited about our visit here at this moment. It's 2012 a time when our technology is at its best- medical science has seen enormous transitions and our life expectancies have stretched longer. This is not a time to be at war with one another, to squabble amongst ourselves over petty unimportant issues. It's a time to look around and see how each of us can make a contribution to our communities, our animals and our planet.

If you have spent days agonizing over the death of a loved one, I truly send you my deepest condolences. And I hope that some day you reach a place where you can breathe deeply knowing they are all around you. Reassurance comes in stages and the process is unique to each of us. For me I know in my heart I am loved and those that have gone on want me to know they will see me again - they are merely a thought away.

Yes it is a day by day existence and there are many stormy days ahead maybe it's time we learned to smell the rain and appreciate its cool waters. Live your life with passion. Continue to build relationships- be kinder, trod lightly on the soil and send love to all that need it. You are but one vessel among many. Living in the now and knowing you are here for this moment may help you make a difference in your world.  This is YOUR time, this is YOUR day. Make the most of it and let your loving energy shine brightly. You are not alone and your beacon of hope will call out to your loved ones who have passed and they will gather near you...you don't have to wait until death to feel their love. There are no hidden clauses. Open your eyes to the possibility that you can rise and have your dreams, you only need to wake up.

 Much of what I have learned has come through meditation. If you would like to learn how you can find your own path please read How to Begin. You can do this for FREE without the need to attend a class or buy a CD.

So it's your birthday...big deal

I found myself waking one morning to a frantic phone call from my sister. Her husband had stopped breathing during his sleep and she performed CPR and alerted 911. Her heroic efforts helped give him only 2 weeks to live as he was placed on life support and finally passed only 8 days ago.

I am blessed to have a very stable loving relationship and I was able to purchase a 1-way ticket to fly to be by her side. I watched the doctors grim faces as they updated her daily with reports of his decline until he passed. He crossed over at home with his family and loving dogs by his side.

My spouse has packed up our office and belongings and we have decided to stay with her for the time being. I do not know the length of this stay...I only know that I am needed. As children we dreamed of owning horses and I find myself on a 13 acre farm with horses that need feeding, brushing and stalls that need cleaning. Back home (in the Florida Keys) we travel often on business and I am unable to own a pet dog (I so desire)...and I now find myself surrounded by a mixed dachshund-terrier named Molly and a black lab named Ace that are hurting as their beloved master has passed. We now take long walks together and my steps keep time to their wagging tails.

So many lessons I am learning daily. To understand that I live surrounded by love with a mate who is confident and SOLID in himself allows me to just flow freely. How beautiful and how natural this all feels to me. To be able to cut through the pettiness of daily mundane BS putting aside unnecessary stress to be of use to a fellow human...be it my sister or a neighbor is so rewarding.

There are many holidays, reunions, graduations, birthdays and celebrations - but there is only ONE that trumps them all...death. (And yes, I know his Spirit is all around and I feel his presence, but her pain is raw.) I am starting to see that people take these celebrations with so much focus that they feel hurt if we do not acknowledge or make a fuss... if we do not share in their delight. When you are surrounded by a grieving loved one you realize that celebrations come and go but that the physical existence of THIS day is precious. Yes, we can rejoice with others and send cards and smile, but when you know someone is grieving learn to not take it personal if they cannot raise a toast. We must take stock- give love, embrace love, BE love everyday. This is what I want to breathe in daily.

Meditation has given me this insight. To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides for FREE please read How to Begin

Death and Dandelions

My sister's husband of 39 years is dying of a rare cancer of the blood. My profession as a designer allows me to work anywhere my mac is. And so I am by her side now for the duration. She owns 13 acres with a stable filled with horses. Her husband is 62 and he was once a man that was a chief of police commanding a team... now he no longer can lift his head and will pass very soon. He was diagnosed only 2 months ago. Sad? Yes, but not an uncommon story. Cancer does not care about age, career or goals.

I know I cannot heal him and my sister is numb. Sometimes when death approaches you do whatever you can do to lighten a load. And so I picked up a pitchfork and shoveled manure and when the horses were cleaned and fed I rested.

Anyone can help a family member or a friend... you just need to look around. The hospice team will care for him as he continues to grow weaker and I will remind my sister to eat and to breathe and to just take each day as it comes. And while I am here I will weed a garden. A garden that Lee loved to work in and I know this will bring a smile.

Lee is sedated but I know his spirit is very aware and so I will continue to send him love and surround him with care and compassion for his beloved pets and his best friend...my sister whom I will rock to sleep in my arms for now. Sometimes healing appears in the strangest ways. Look around at the people you know who are hurting and find your garden to weed.

Man Made Hell = Man Made Fear Conclusion

continued...

The Down And Dirty Church was the last one I attended. It was a place filled with broken people, some fighting addiction and others just sick of the other churches on the menu. This wasn't a church my parents would have understood at all. There were no pews anywhere...only round tables with tattered people drinking coffee and sharing their troubles. Some were dressed in their finest and some were homeless and rarely bathed. It didn't matter to anyone what they looked like... they all blended together. I was humbled by the many acts of kindness I witnessed and yet I still remember the frustration of the pastor as he stood speaking to the people regarding the war in Iraq. He said "People wake up, don't you realize that there are mothers and fathers of our enemies that are praying to God as well to save their children from our armies? Don't you get it? God is not American and he isn't a democrat nor a republican." The people shook their heads, as this was too hard to fathom. How could God not answer our prayers and save our children? God was a Christian after all and of course He was pulling for our side…wasn’t He?

As a freelance artist I worked for many clients. In 2004 the local Jewish Community Center hired me part time creating brochures, logos and some ads. The phone rang again and suddenly I was working for a magazine called the Friends of Israel, it was a Christian magazine that was started in the 1940's to fight anti-Semitism. So, oddly enough I found my week split between these two dynamic passionate organizations. It was through this connection that I was able to arrange a meeting and they actually sat down together (unheard of in my neck of the woods) to share ideas on how they could work together. Funny, looking back at this I remember feeling as if I was some sort of ambassador - for people rather than doctrine. And then to my surprise the Jewish leaders sent me to Israel to work as an artist with their sister organization teaching them my graphic skills. Nineteen people of Jewish faith and me...the un-Jew. The leader of the organization I was attending with, asked me to lead Shabbat on the southern part of the wall in Jerusalem. Huh? I asked, hello I'm not a Rabbi and by the way I'm a woman...why me? "Because you are the most spiritual," he said. He got this impression most likely because the touring bus we were riding in would often hear me cry out “Hang on, we need to make a pit stop…Jesus did a miracle over there.” This of course made them think I was a Jesus Freak and I explained to them that my faith in God was not a religion I followed but actually just my way of life. I tried to spread that light wherever I went.  I continued in my hope that men would see past their dogmatic beliefs in their personal views of who or what God was and just learn to truly help one another. I quit the church and watched many friendships evaporate almost instantly. I am still a bit surprised by this. All of their preaching about God is love and love thy neighbor only to be tossed aside like stale wine. All of their talk of helping their communities while they pushed for bigger recreation facilities for their church members. All their talk of unemployment rising as they organized ski trips and fancy social gatherings. Incredible yet very true and still continuing.
I then walked with uncertainty...would God punish me? Would I now be counted with all of those poor sinners that were going to hell? I was taught since birth that I was born with sin and needed the blood of Jesus to wash me clean in order to be accepted by God. But now I was naked and I no longer prayed to the big J. He seemed to me a man that some powerful people put up front as a deity to make themselves more worthy than others.

Soon after my trip to Israel I developed a severe pain in my right leg. I went to many specialists and it grew worse. Two years went by and still the pain remained. On the off chance that some herbal hippie might be able to help me, I attended a symposium in northern California. Unknowingly, this was my first step toward breaking free of a belief system that had imprisoned me since birth. Something happened to me there that is still hard to explain. Let's just say I met a woman who gave me an energy massage that opened my eyes to looking deeper within. She spoke of seeing my aura, my guides and how strong I was spiritually. Um...yeah, sure right. She told me I was to ask the voice within to lead me to learn how to connect with my higher conscious and that it would all be told to me. This sounded like gypsy talk to me and I smiled and left her little tent thinking she was probably high on weed. She said she had spoken with my guides and that I was a very strong healer. Yeah? Well then why the hell was my leg racked with chronic pain? Healer... me? Maybe she didn't dial in the stars and line up the moons correctly... or maybe one of her crystals had a crack in it.

Two months later the pain had miraculously vanished and I was meditating daily. I started to listen and tune in and I became aware that a tiny voice that I had thought was just random had actually been with me as a small child. When life was hard and my parents were fighting I used to go to my special thinking spot and this voice comforted me. Years later when I was in an abusive relationship this voice helped to lead me to safety. I never gave it much attention; it was just always there. 

Through meditation I was able to understand who these guides were and now I ask and receive amazing insight.  I have learned that God is not an entity in human form. God IS. Lord IS. Source IS. All of this is not for one country or one species. We are ALL connected in this love of IS. Every blade of grass, every mountain, every grain of sand and every drop of water IS a part of this and every time I look into the eyes of my pet I am looking into the eyes of God or whatever you call Source. And every time I look into the mirror I am seeing a part of IS, wow, that alone would have rocked the church into burning me at the stake most likely…and in New Jersey too!   

I was able to break free from the rules and regulations and words all written by man and seek this connection to the Spirits that walk beside me. No heaven or hell to fear only love and truth in knowing life is eternal. Yes, I have been visited many times by those that have crossed over (including my family and loved ones) and each time I am left with a morsel of realization. This connection to my higher conscious has allowed me to love myself in a way I have never experienced. I am worthy, I am beautiful and I have so much love to give to others.

For the many, many people that continue in their religious quest I take nothing away from that and I do not wish to have you think I have negativity towards you. Each of us has our own journey. For me I no longer live in fear of a man made deity that will smite me if I do not keep in step. I will continue to try and spread this love of myself to the planet around me. My connection to the spirit world is not new, I have always known that I would not die. I understood at a very young age that my physical self would expire yet my spirit would continue. Thoughts are... after all... LIVING THINGS. I got a little confused when I started to listen to the teachings and writings of a world where fear was used to control my thoughts and make others more powerful- after all they use our energy to make themselves greater. But that is in the past and I am able to give my energy to a planet that is crying out to all. It is through this connection to IS that I am able to move easily toward fulfilling my passion of purpose. Every day is a new challenge and every day I face a new understanding. I am so thankful I was able to escape from the man made hell and release myself from the fear that kept me from truly finding the love that awaits all of us...and it starts within.

Yes, I took a slight detour from my meditation experiences, but since most of this writing came through while meditating I wanted to bring it into the light:)
To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides please read Meditate for FREE

Man Made Hell=Man Made Fear Part 2

 

A comic strip from 1989 that reminded me that often man is behind all of the fear.

Continued ...
The Big Hats and White Gloves Church was a few blocks from our home. My father only ever went there for weddings and funerals. My mother seemed to approach it anxiously and sporadically and I always got the impression it made her unhappy. I went to this church until I was seventeen. My favorite part about going was the juice and pretzels. They had sugary red kool-aid that stained your lips and long pretzel logs loaded with salt. I don’t remember a lot of what they taught me. I know I fidgeted a lot and skipped through puddles on my way home with my mind racing ahead to a day of no more school. As I grew into my teens my mother scolded me about the dresses I wore since short skirts and wearing pants apparently angered God, and since it was his house there was that constant threat of smiting and being struck by lightening.

The Pot Luck Dinner Church was the first time I ventured away from the place my parents sent me. I was living in the 70’s. I had escaped my unhappiness with myself and my home life with some help from my friends – Pot, Grass and Weed. Some shady characters seemed to linger on the outskirts and I felt it was only a matter of time when I would get caught. I’m not sure what I thought was worse – facing my mom’s wrath or God’s…so I said goodbye to my hazy days of marijuana and decided to face my misery straight. My parent’s seemed to fight constantly and I didn’t see anything good in my life. I was unhappy with my looks, I was a very poor student and now I was facing the real world with clear yet tearful eyes. I actually began to think of ways to end my life. Looking back I realize now I was a troubled teen who needed some intervention. But, I didn’t trust adults and so I shared my thoughts of suicide with a friend. I told him exactly how I would do it. I was going to climb to the highest point in my city. That was the top of the high school bleachers. I would sit facing the athletic field on the top edge and then when I was ready I would just let myself fall backward. This would be over quickly and all my troubles would be over.
“Wait” he said, throwing a monkey wrench into my plans. “What if you fall and become paralyzed and you can never take care of yourself and your stuck home forever with your parents?”
Oh geez…this would truly be worse than death I thought.
“I have a plan,” he said. “I know some people who can help you. Just trust me and I will take you to meet them.”
All the way there we rode in silence. I was miserable and I thought he had found some special people who could help me. He pulled into the parking lot of the Pot Luck Dinner Church and I was not happy. He silenced me with a look and led me to a seat among people who seemed to be smiling too hard. Who knows, I thought, maybe they had some underground runaway teen program that would help get me away from my parents. I decided to sit up straight and find out what this guy in the black robe had to say. This guy was what my father referred to as a “fire and brimstone” preacher. I had heard this expression, but I had never seen it in action. He gave a message that revolved around our being unhappy with our earthly parents. My ears perked up. He told a story of how God created a man named Adam and that because Adam ate from the fruit that was forbidden he brought sin into the world. Now all of the offspring from that point on all were born with sin covering them and would all go straight to hell and burn forever. Yeah, yeah…more burning…this was not new to me. He went on to say that God left a clause in the deal…he would send his son… and if you accepted him as your heavenly father then you would get a free ticket into heaven. Well, this seemed way too simple. But I liked the part about forgetting about the earthly father and concentrating on the heavenly invisible one. And so that’s when I said my prayer. It was later during milk and cookie time when the guy in the robe informed me that I was now a shoe-in for heaven. I didn’t realize when I said that prayer that my life would change so drastically…but it did. To be continued...Part 3

Yes, I took a slight detour from my meditation experiences, but since most of this writing came through while meditating I wanted to bring it into the light:)
To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides please read Meditate for FREE.

Man Made Hell = Man Made Fear Part 1

 Man has lived with fear throughout the centuries. He has walked the earth and created more men and each new generation teaches their children to fear. Fear is powerful and can be used as a tool to make man heed the action of his authority over him. The following is an example of my own life. Of how fear kept me in constant alert of a retribution that would surely be in my future. When would this future come? Ah, that was the very nurturing and kindle that kept the flame of fear alive in me. No one knew when this would come – not my parents, nor my teachers and especially not the church leaders. But, if I did not follow certain rules I would find myself in a place where I would burn continually…forever…for infinity. This is a very long time to burn…and I was kept in the dark by the world in which I found myself following a wobbly truth that somehow if I believed the rules placed upon me by generations which came lived and died before me – I might be spared the eternal spit and the punishing flames of hell. 

A comic strip from 1989 that reminded me that often man is behind all of the fear.

I was born into a family who called themselves Christians. It had something to do with Christmas so it felt safe to my young mind. I was too small to think of adult questions like how come we are called Christians? How come all the neighbors go by this name and why aren’t there any Un-Christians on our block? I remember however asking simple questions like:

Q: Who made dogs? A: God
Q: How come I don’t have grandfathers like other kids? A: They went to go be with God.
Q: Who is God? A: He is who made everything you see.
Q: When do I get to meet him if he’s with my grandfathers? A: When you die.
Q: I have to die to meet him? A: Well, you can always talk to him.
Q: How? A: When you say your prayers.
But my prayers are the ones you taught me.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

Q: So when I talk to him in my prayers it’s always about dying?
A: Well, I don’t have all the answers about God – that’s why we go to church.
Me: But you and dad don’t go.
A: We used to go, but now it’s time for you to go and learn. That’s why it’s called Sunday School. You must go there every Sunday and be good and quiet and listen to all you hear so when you die you can go to heaven and see God.
Me: More dying? You’d think God could come to earth and visit me and keep me around on all of this splendor he created.
And so at the age of 5, I began my years of attending a school where they taught me all the rules of a man who wasn’t a man…who wasn’t a woman either…who made everything…and would send me to hell to burn forever unless I believed the book some other people wrote to keep all the rules in order. To be continued... Part 2
Yes, I took a slight detour from my meditation experiences, but since most of this writing came through while meditating I wanted to bring it into the light:)
To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides please read Meditate for FREE