The Fabric of Death

The unexpected death of her husband has left my sister hanging on a thread. They were supposed to spend their 40th wedding anniversary together this past weekend, but sadly there will be no more celebrations of this kind. The grieving process although necessary feels as if I am watching her slowly fade away. She has tried counseling but feels so disconnected that she no longer attempts to share her pain. If you have ever been around someone like this, you can attest to the ache within your own heart as you watch helplessly knowing it's a personal journey. (To learn more about this tragedy please read.)

Last spring when this occurred I was compelled to move my office into her home and I lived with her for 6 weeks. It was during this endeavor when I saw first-hand how the body goes into shock and denial. She would wake each morning hoping it had all been a bad dream. She stopped eating or caring and her nurturing spirit turned towards her beloved pets. Now she fears they too will get sick and leave her alone with her thoughts.

It was during his funeral as she was searching through his belongings when the idea first struck me. I had meditated the night before he had passed and he had spoken to me. I asked him how I could help his wife and his reply came very clearly.

"Hold her. She is a strong woman that can do anything in this world, but she cannot hold herself."

As she was rummaging through his things looking for his policeman's badge I looked at all of his shirts with tiny golf emblems on them. As a retired police chief he had moved into his next profession as a caddy master at a local golf course. His closet told the story. Policeman's emblems embroidered on jackets to country club insignias adorning his shirts. These would make a beautiful quilt, I thought. She could take this quilt and wrap herself in him. He could hold her once more.

Pattie proudly displays her handiwork

And so I spoke with my other sister Pattie, the one born with a needle and thread in her hand, and asked if she would help. Susan and Pattie have never really been close and I wasn't really sure how this would turn out. They are both talented seamstresses. I held my breath hoping Susan would agree to this, after all we were cutting up his clothes. Susan was honored that Pattie would take the project on. I sat back knowing my role was the bridge that had come up with the idea and had put the two of them together.

Pattie had to work with whatever Susan gave her— ties, shirts, jackets and even his pajamas. She cut, measured and hand-sewed non-stop committing all of her spare time to this amazing feat.

Meanwhile I arranged to have a sister's weekend in my home. All three came to spend some relaxing time in sunny Florida... this event happened to fall on the non-celebrated 40th wedding anniversary.  Susan needed us and all four sisters gathered to support her. There were tears and laughter and healing as we blended together and supported one another.

I had forgotten about the quilt as I knew it would take Pattie until springtime to finish it. But I was wrong. As Susan sat limp with emotions and tried her best to smile through her pain, Pattie handed her a package. Susan opened it with trembling hands and cried tears of joy. The quilt is a masterpiece and with it comes healing. Healing for a woman that is grieving for her husband, healing for two sisters that have never really connected. The fabric is woven from memories that will embrace our sister Susan and help bring some comfort to her broken heart. I felt myself overcome as well as I remembered when the idea was first given to me...did Lee help plan this? Was he whispering to me that day?

The next morning my youngest sister Dotsi did a meditation at dawn.
"I was doing my meditation,"  she said, "and seeing lovely colors and I was waiting for what the images would become when a stupid song kept playing. It was a Bee Gee's song and it really was bothering me as it kept interrupting my meditation."
"What was the song?" I asked.
"Something about emotions," she replied.
And so I did a quick search on the web and found the lyrics Dotsi had heard being sung as she was sharing a bed near our sleeping sister Susan.
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion that's taken me over
Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight
Goodnight

It now holds her every night.

Meditation is a wondrous thing to experience. I am now encouraging my grieving sister to try again. She had stopped as she feared being alone with her sorrow. I believe meditation has given me a clear channel to be able to act upon inspiring thoughts coming to me from my Higher-Self. I believe it gave Susan the ability to be held once more.
To learn how you can use meditation to enrich your life please read How to Begin.

So it's your birthday...big deal

I found myself waking one morning to a frantic phone call from my sister. Her husband had stopped breathing during his sleep and she performed CPR and alerted 911. Her heroic efforts helped give him only 2 weeks to live as he was placed on life support and finally passed only 8 days ago.

I am blessed to have a very stable loving relationship and I was able to purchase a 1-way ticket to fly to be by her side. I watched the doctors grim faces as they updated her daily with reports of his decline until he passed. He crossed over at home with his family and loving dogs by his side.

My spouse has packed up our office and belongings and we have decided to stay with her for the time being. I do not know the length of this stay...I only know that I am needed. As children we dreamed of owning horses and I find myself on a 13 acre farm with horses that need feeding, brushing and stalls that need cleaning. Back home (in the Florida Keys) we travel often on business and I am unable to own a pet dog (I so desire)...and I now find myself surrounded by a mixed dachshund-terrier named Molly and a black lab named Ace that are hurting as their beloved master has passed. We now take long walks together and my steps keep time to their wagging tails.

So many lessons I am learning daily. To understand that I live surrounded by love with a mate who is confident and SOLID in himself allows me to just flow freely. How beautiful and how natural this all feels to me. To be able to cut through the pettiness of daily mundane BS putting aside unnecessary stress to be of use to a fellow human...be it my sister or a neighbor is so rewarding.

There are many holidays, reunions, graduations, birthdays and celebrations - but there is only ONE that trumps them all...death. (And yes, I know his Spirit is all around and I feel his presence, but her pain is raw.) I am starting to see that people take these celebrations with so much focus that they feel hurt if we do not acknowledge or make a fuss... if we do not share in their delight. When you are surrounded by a grieving loved one you realize that celebrations come and go but that the physical existence of THIS day is precious. Yes, we can rejoice with others and send cards and smile, but when you know someone is grieving learn to not take it personal if they cannot raise a toast. We must take stock- give love, embrace love, BE love everyday. This is what I want to breathe in daily.

Meditation has given me this insight. To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides for FREE please read How to Begin

Death and Dandelions

My sister's husband of 39 years is dying of a rare cancer of the blood. My profession as a designer allows me to work anywhere my mac is. And so I am by her side now for the duration. She owns 13 acres with a stable filled with horses. Her husband is 62 and he was once a man that was a chief of police commanding a team... now he no longer can lift his head and will pass very soon. He was diagnosed only 2 months ago. Sad? Yes, but not an uncommon story. Cancer does not care about age, career or goals.

I know I cannot heal him and my sister is numb. Sometimes when death approaches you do whatever you can do to lighten a load. And so I picked up a pitchfork and shoveled manure and when the horses were cleaned and fed I rested.

Anyone can help a family member or a friend... you just need to look around. The hospice team will care for him as he continues to grow weaker and I will remind my sister to eat and to breathe and to just take each day as it comes. And while I am here I will weed a garden. A garden that Lee loved to work in and I know this will bring a smile.

Lee is sedated but I know his spirit is very aware and so I will continue to send him love and surround him with care and compassion for his beloved pets and his best friend...my sister whom I will rock to sleep in my arms for now. Sometimes healing appears in the strangest ways. Look around at the people you know who are hurting and find your garden to weed.