continued...
The Down And Dirty Church was the last one I attended. It
was a place filled with broken people, some fighting addiction and others just
sick of the other churches on the menu. This wasn't a church my parents would
have understood at all. There were no pews anywhere...only round tables with tattered
people drinking coffee and sharing their troubles. Some were dressed in their
finest and some were homeless and rarely bathed. It didn't matter to anyone what
they looked like... they all blended together. I was humbled by the many acts
of kindness I witnessed and yet I still remember the frustration of the pastor
as he stood speaking to the people regarding the war in Iraq. He said
"People wake up, don't you realize that there are mothers and fathers of
our enemies that are praying to God as well to save their children from our
armies? Don't you get it? God is not American and he isn't a democrat nor a
republican." The people shook their heads, as this was too hard to fathom.
How could God not answer our prayers and save our children? God was a Christian
after all and of course He was pulling for our side…wasn’t He?
As a freelance artist I worked for many clients. In 2004 the
local Jewish Community Center hired me part time creating brochures, logos and some ads. The phone rang again and suddenly
I was working for a magazine called the Friends of Israel, it was a Christian
magazine that was started in the 1940's to fight anti-Semitism. So, oddly
enough I found my week split between these two dynamic passionate
organizations. It was through this connection that I was able to arrange a
meeting and they actually sat down together (unheard of in my neck of the
woods) to share ideas on how they could work together. Funny, looking back at
this I remember feeling as if I was some sort of ambassador - for people rather
than doctrine. And then to my surprise the Jewish leaders sent me to Israel to
work as an artist with their sister organization teaching them my graphic
skills. Nineteen people of Jewish faith and me...the un-Jew. The leader of the organization I was attending with, asked me to lead Shabbat on the southern part of
the wall in Jerusalem. Huh? I asked, hello I'm not a Rabbi and by the way I'm a
woman...why me? "Because you are the most spiritual," he said. He got this impression most likely
because the touring bus we were riding in would often hear me cry out “Hang on,
we need to make a pit stop…Jesus did a miracle over there.” This of course made
them think I was a Jesus Freak and I explained to them that my faith in God was
not a religion I followed but actually
just my way of life. I tried to spread that light wherever I went. I continued in my hope that men would
see past their dogmatic beliefs in their personal views of who or what God was
and just learn to truly help one another. I quit the church and watched many friendships
evaporate almost instantly. I am still a bit surprised by this. All of
their preaching about God is love and love thy neighbor only to be tossed aside
like stale wine. All of their talk of helping their communities while they pushed for bigger recreation facilities for their church members. All their talk of unemployment rising as they organized ski trips and fancy social gatherings. Incredible yet very true and still continuing.
I then walked with uncertainty...would God punish me? Would I now be counted with all of those poor sinners that were going to hell? I was taught since birth that I was born with sin and needed the blood of Jesus to wash me clean in order to be accepted by God. But now I was naked and I no longer prayed to the big J. He seemed to me a man that some powerful people put up front as a deity to make themselves more worthy than others.
I then walked with uncertainty...would God punish me? Would I now be counted with all of those poor sinners that were going to hell? I was taught since birth that I was born with sin and needed the blood of Jesus to wash me clean in order to be accepted by God. But now I was naked and I no longer prayed to the big J. He seemed to me a man that some powerful people put up front as a deity to make themselves more worthy than others.
Soon after my trip to Israel I developed a severe pain in my
right leg. I went to many specialists and it grew worse. Two years went by and
still the pain remained. On the off chance that some herbal hippie might be
able to help me, I attended a symposium in northern California. Unknowingly, this
was my first step toward breaking free of a belief system that had imprisoned
me since birth. Something happened to me there that is still hard to explain.
Let's just say I met a woman who gave me an energy massage that opened my eyes
to looking deeper within. She spoke of seeing my aura, my guides and how strong
I was spiritually. Um...yeah, sure right. She told me I was to ask the voice
within to lead me to learn how to connect with my higher conscious and that it
would all be told to me. This sounded like gypsy talk to me and I smiled and
left her little tent thinking she was probably high on weed. She said she had
spoken with my guides and that I was a very strong healer. Yeah? Well then why
the hell was my leg racked with chronic pain? Healer... me? Maybe she didn't dial in the stars and line up the moons correctly... or maybe one of her crystals had a crack in it.
Two months later the pain had miraculously vanished and I
was meditating daily. I started to listen and tune in and I became aware that a
tiny voice that I had thought was just random had actually been with me as a
small child. When life was hard and my parents were fighting I used to go to my
special thinking spot and this voice comforted me. Years later when I was in an
abusive relationship this voice helped to lead me to safety. I never gave it
much attention; it was just always there.
Through meditation I was able to understand who these guides were and now I ask and receive amazing insight. I have learned that God is not an entity in human form. God IS. Lord IS. Source IS. All of this is not for one country or one species. We are ALL connected in this love of IS. Every blade of grass, every mountain, every grain of sand and every drop of water IS a part of this and every time I look into the eyes of my pet I am looking into the eyes of God or whatever you call Source. And every time I look into the mirror I am seeing a part of IS, wow, that alone would have rocked the church into burning me at the stake most likely…and in New Jersey too!
I was able to break free from the rules and regulations and
words all written by man and seek this connection to the Spirits that walk
beside me. No heaven or hell to fear only love and truth in knowing life is
eternal. Yes, I have been visited many times by those that have crossed over
(including my family and loved ones) and each time I am left with a morsel of realization. This connection to my
higher conscious has allowed me to love myself in a way I have never
experienced. I am worthy, I am beautiful and I have so much love to give to
others.
For the many, many people that continue in their religious
quest I take nothing away from that and I do not wish to have you think I have
negativity towards you. Each of us has our own journey. For me I no longer live
in fear of a man made deity that will smite me if I do not keep in step. I will
continue to try and spread this love of myself to the planet around me. My
connection to the spirit world is not new, I have always known that I would not
die. I understood at a very young age that my physical self would expire yet my
spirit would continue. Thoughts are... after all... LIVING THINGS. I got a little confused when I started to listen to the
teachings and writings of a world where fear was used to control my thoughts
and make others more powerful- after all they use our energy to make themselves
greater. But that is in the past and I am able to give my energy to a planet
that is crying out to all. It is through this connection to IS that I am able
to move easily toward fulfilling my passion of purpose. Every day is a new
challenge and every day I face a new understanding. I am so thankful I was able
to escape from the man made hell and release myself from the fear that kept me
from truly finding the love that awaits all of us...and it starts within.
Yes, I took a slight detour from my meditation experiences, but since most of this writing came through while meditating I wanted to bring it into the light:)
To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides please read Meditate for FREE
Yes, I took a slight detour from my meditation experiences, but since most of this writing came through while meditating I wanted to bring it into the light:)
To learn how you can meditate without any CD's or guides please read Meditate for FREE
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